The Journey Continues: Love and Lessons

18 Feb The Journey Continues: Love and Lessons

Love. How do you define love? Is it forever? How do you know it’s legit? Have you lost in Love? Yal’ know, the struggle is real. Cue Lauryn Hill’s, The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill, and I am reminded of how complex love is with so many descriptions to explain it. No wonder we can’t clearly define Love.

I consider myself a serial monogamous. In my dating life there were moments where I second guessed myself. I wondered if I had done my best and pondered where I could have done things differently. At the end of the day, I felt that I had lost in the game of love. I’ll tell you this, in the uncertainty of COVID, there was also some clarity and I had to remind myself of theses 3 factors:

• My love for someone is not contingent on their love for me.
• Love is not the sole indicator of why two people should stay together.
• We all show love based on our ability and understanding of love, regardless of the type of relationship.

With that said, I am reminded that I did not lose in love, I learned. In games, we either win or lose. Most people would agree that love isn’t a game. So how do you lose? You don’t. You love and you learn. And along the way, the support from the people around you, help you through the lessons. Here are a few of the lessons I learned and perhaps you can relate.

1. Love in action. Love like you’ve never loved before. I understand that we are shaped by our experiences. However, the person you are with, is not responsible for your past. Address past hurt and or trauma so that you can begin to heal. This is a proactive way to prevent your past from being the demise of your future. Additionally, love is vulnerability. Yikes. Vulnerability may be letting people into uncomfortable spaces. It is also where the foundation of love may be built.

2. Communication is key and understanding is “doubly” (I know that’s not a word) important. Be clear about your needs and if your needs change (because we are all growing and evolving) be open about that too. Be honest about how you feel regardless of what that emotion may evoke for your significant other. Communication is the vessel for trust. Be open to understanding. Communication is just talking if you’ve made up your mind to not try to understand.

3. Speak up about what’s important to you (this could be your me-time, church, sports, family, education etc.). Some things aren’t negotiable. Be clear and set boundaries for whatever that is for you.

4. Be happy or find happiness in your singleness so that you don’t rely on someone else to make you happy. Someone else’s happiness is a huge cross to bear that truthfully, you can not fulfill. In the previous blog I talked about self-love, check it out if you haven’t already. This is where happiness fits in and when there is lack of self-love, you settle for mediocracy.

 5. Allow your relationship to be defined by you, your significant other and God. What works for one relationship may not work for another. Additionally, comparison is the thief of joy. Do not compare relationships. However, it may be difficult not to compare if you missed being happy in your singleness. This is not to say that you don’t desire companionship or intimacy but rather that happiness is an inside job and does not innately come when you enter a relationship. Lastly, when you compete with other people’s relationships you rob your relationship of it’s unique superpower.   

6.. Have a life outside of your relationship and respect that your significant other has relationships that are valuable to them as well. Nurturing all those relationships is key. I won’t go as far as to say balance, because I don’t think that is realistic. Balance implies, equal and that may not fair well or be productive.  We aspire for our significant other to be our ride or die. I believe that is still attainable while managing your external relationships. Besides, you gone need them one day and they may need you.

As we live our lives, we are afforded the opportunity to love. Whether loving yourself or loving others, a friend once said, “love is the fuel for life”. What lesson’s have you learned in love.

If you’ve found what you have read helpful, like, comment and share. If you have questions, I would love to connect. Subscribe to the newsletter on the home page of the website: www.selfcareadvocacy.com.